And now, our best Letterman impressions…
Best Things to do to Sleeping Students
10: Wake them up…by slamming a book on their desk
9: Set up a tower of books around them so the rest of the class is not distracted by the lowered head
8: Use their name excessively in anecdotes and examples (“Gandhi was a lot like James sleeping over there, you know, after he was assassinated”)
7: Coo sweet nothings in their ears until they slowly awake from their majestic, honey-rich slumber
6: Shake them awake and randomly ask them a series of questions in no particular order or sequence (“When was the Spanish Armada?” “What’s the melting point of copper?” “Why are you wasting your already shortened and insignificant existence?” “Is Metallica the 80s Led Zeppelin?”
5: Leave them alone so they sleep through the period and are awakened by the next teacher.
4: Put their hand in warm water to see if they piss themselves
3: Splash warm water on their groins and laugh at them for pissing themselves
2: Stand in silence and stare and wait for them to wake up. (Honestly, this might be the most disturbing one of all)
1: Keep teaching. After all, there’s still a classroom of students to teach. So fuck that other kid.
Shittiest States in the Union
10: Puerto Rico. Wait…
9: South Carolina: We don’t need to hear about how they were one of the original 13 Colonies…they fucked that up when they were the first to secede from the union.
8: Alaska. If open space makes you a cool state, this becomes numero uno. If only.
7: Oklahoma: Oooooklahoma, where absolutely nothing happens…
6: West Virginia: Yeah its cool that they broke off of real Virginia because of the Civil War. But statehood? Really? Any little thing these days, I guess…
5: Mississippi: Low educational standards. Low health standards. Stupid and fat is no way to live, son.
4: Vermont: What do they have besides maple syrup and the gayest state capital name in the union?
3: New Mexico. Really, can we do a swap and trade this to real Mexico for Baja California. Come on, you know you’ve thought of it too…
2: Delaware: Notice that Washington is known for crossing the river, not staying there…
1: New Jersey. Where do I begin?
Reasons Why I Love Being a Guy
10: I like being taller. It’s much easier to find people in a crowd and be found, and you can spot landmarks more quickly while walking.
9: Boxers count as underwear and pajamas. They are so comfortable and free, and when it’s time to go to bed you can just take off your pants.
8: Body hair is normal. While some guys like to shave it all or wax it, it’s ok if you don’t want to. You’re a guy and it’s natural to have hair on your chest. There is also the added bonus of warmth.
7: Grunting is an acceptable form of communication.
6: I can do funny things with my facial hair.
5: Short hair is easy to manage.
4: We don’t use makeup.
3: Sports are a form of entertainment, a reason to drink, and a topic of conversation ALWAYS.
2: Testosterone is an excuse for stupidity.
1: I can pee standing up.